I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
