she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
