You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
But theres a keg here and me gusta
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
