theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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