dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
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i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
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I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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