I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
