i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
