went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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