My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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