Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
