someone get that fucking seahorse.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
