This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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