I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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