Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
