Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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