I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
