New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
