I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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