Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
