New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
