So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
