Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
