I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
