Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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