I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
