the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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