you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
