dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
false alarm. still invincible.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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