I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
