I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
