woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
