normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
