After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
