I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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