hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
