The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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