Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We have so much sex to catch up on
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
