i just sent this text using only my big toe
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
