Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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