she looked like the before picture.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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