Please, let me fuck your mom
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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