Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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