dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
