I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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