Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
