Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
