I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
