He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
