I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
