nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
