The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
