FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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