if you like me you must not know who I am
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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