I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
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Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
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